| Laura DiPoce (born Laudore Clarissa Contessa DiPoce) was born in the small French village of Aufferville.|
She was born into a life of poverty and misery with two siblings. Her older sister was the village prostitute who weighed 423lbs and was named Petite Pitou. Her younger sister Tippitoo, was recluse and suffered from mild retardation. She would spend hours dancing with her mother's bathrobe and singing "Mee mee moo moo!" and as a result, ruined their neighbours' marriage.
Her father was a blind Postman and her mother was a Blind editor for a small publishing company. Her mother died when Laudore was only 3 years old when she accidentally answered the Iron, believing it to be the telephone. Her father remarried to a younger woman named Clarette who was deaf, but luckily could still hear. Clarette ran the household with an iron fist and made sure her step-daughters grew up to be proper ladies. She would wake them up every morning by shaking their beds and shouting "WE ARE DYING! WE ARE DYING! WE ARE ALREADY DEAD! IT IS OVER!" and if they flinched, she would strike them (with an open fist) and declare "Ladies are not so easily startled!".
Laudore was very close with her sisters, but especially with Petite Pitou. When Laudore was 11, Petite Pitou lost both of her legs in a tragic Christmas tree fire, and then later lost both of her feet in a tragic New Years Eve fire. Stricken with grief over the loss of her mobility, Petite Pitou committed suicide by eating her own face. Laudore was inconsolable and would have reoccurring dreams of car crashes, crying watermelons, and a manic depressive tap-dancing clown named Gidgette.
Unable to sleep for months, she finally went to her step-mother and told her about her affliction. Clarette listened with her deaf ears and finally declared "Then you must paint! You must paint such feelings!" and thus began Laudore's appreciate for painting. A local artist named Alain Alane was hired (paid in cabbages) to teach Laudore the basics of painting. Alain Alane was a success throughout all of France, known for his paintings of weeping tap shoes. He took Laudore under his wing and showed her the beauty of being able to express herself through painting.
At the age of 19, Laudore had painted all she could. Alain had long since died (he killed himself after he set eyes on a portrait of Gidgette). Her father was laid off and their family became poorer than ever. The house they lived in became drafty as they had to keep tearing down walls and floorboards for firewood. One day Clarette announced that she had found a use for all of Laudore's paintings. "Why must we all sit and freeze in the cold death of June when we have perfectly good firewood here?!" she asked. Clarette promptly burned all of Laudore's paintings. The house no longer was being torn to pieces, but all of Laudore's work was transformed into ashes.
It was around this time that Tippytoo's mild retardation took a turn for the worse. She would spend her days smashing flies with pots and pans and say nothing but proclaim "trend alert! This fall try well-tailored, patterned, tweed suits and lots of amber accessories!". It broke Laudore's heart to see Tippytoo in such a state.
Years passed but nothing ever got any better. Her father died in a tragic accident: he had always wondered why no one had ever enjoyed fresh toast while taking a bath and tested to see if it would be as enjoyable as he thought - the result was unpleasant. Laudore was fed up with her poor, tragedy-filled life in France. She craved a change of scenery. She had not painted in a very long time and believed moving would ignite her passion for painting once more.
One afternoon while walking along the partially flooded streets of Aufferville, Laudore saw a used and worn brochure of Canada on the ground. "Canada!" she exclaimed. "That is where my new home lies! That is where my future lies!". She gathered what few belongings she had and boarded the next boat to Canada. While the boat was leaving the harbor, she shouted back at France "So long my beloved homeland! So long my beloved misery! And so long Petite Pitou and Tippytoo!", at which point a seasick drunk vomited on Laudore's shoes. The incident shocked Laudore but also prepared her fully for her new found independent life.
"If I am leaving behind my motherland, I must leave my roots behind as well!" she declared to herself. Laudore immediately changed her name to Laura and forced herself to forget about her poor life in Aufferville. She promised herself that she would paint all the memories Clarette burned away, but in a new way. In a way Clarette would never recognize. She decided that she would sell those paintings to make money, but also to make sure her memories were scattered all over the world. She also decided she liked cherry pie... and porno.
Bio written by the great and powerful Francesco Giovane